honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
