Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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