life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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