I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
