I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
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You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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