bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
