I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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