I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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