If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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