The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I FOUND THE LEGS
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
