Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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