Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
