a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
