Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm really busy with my period
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