Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
