I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
