Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
