God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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