I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
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Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
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i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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