he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
