I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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