I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
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I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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