When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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