Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
