so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
