Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
