I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
