Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
