Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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