The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
