I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
