Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
