1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
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I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he's single and there are thong briefs.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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