Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
