first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
