____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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