I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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