God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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