just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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