my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
