I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Porn is love you can see.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
