I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
