Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
