sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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