Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
