I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my being single is dangerous.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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