I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Boobs speak an international language.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
