your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
