When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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