she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
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definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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