I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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