she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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