Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
