Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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